So I spoke to a drug dealer, who claims money doesn’t matter to him. So I asked him why he sells drugs, and he said people are buying drugs anyways, might as well profit off it. But before this conversation, he once claimed he wants to better people’s lives. However, the drugs he sells does the complete opposite in fact, it ruins families and wrecks lives.

When I brought all this up to him, he shrugged and said simply, “I’m a bastard.”

I  said, “but I thought you don’t care about money?”

He said, “I don’t.”

I said, “Then why do you sell?”

He said, “It’s the easiest way to make money, and I’m a bastard.”

Satisfied by these answers, and now clear of this thinking process and reasonings of which was simply, “I’m a bastard,” I dropped the conversation.

But then the drug dealer did something interesting. He sat quietly looking sad a bit, then told me, “Do you know that you sinned?” I did not. He said, “It says in the bible, you shall not witness against your neighbor. By saying those things, you bore false witness against me and sinned. You’re trying to make me feel bad, and that’s wrong.” I asked, “Then how am I supposed to do it?” He said, “You should tell me I shouldn’t sell drugs, or pray with me to help me stop. But trying to make me feel guilty is a sin.”

I said, “So if someone murders a family, and you showed them pictures of the family to make him feel guilt and know he did wrong, that’s a sin?” He said, “You still don’t get it do you (dodging my murder example). You are implying you’re better than me with those questions, which is wrong, since we are both in here (jail).” So I said, “So two bad people can’t help one another? How did I say I’m better than you?” He said, “By asking those questions to make me feel inferior, you’re implying that you’re a better person.”

That argument made absolutely no sense to me, since my intentions of the questions was not to judge, but to simply understand his controversial mentality. However, I did not push the issue but pondered what he said.

His mentality is that it’s wrong to make a person feel guilt for their crimes because I am not a judge, nor am I a better person. Later he claimed that drugs are so common, for example, TV is a drug, music is a drug, etc, like he was trying to justify drugs.

Off of his “You can’t judge me” remark, I do agree I cannot judge. Just as Jesus did not condemn the woman in the bible for adultery, since everyone sins. However, my intentions were not to judge, but to understand.

His poor excuse of saying anything is a drug made me respond, “Yeah, but you aren’t selling TVs or music are you. He said, “No, I’m just selling Marijuana…” he hesitated, and I said, “JUST marijuana?” He shrugged, and said, “Well okay no I sell everything.” Then he turned around and said, “What if drug dealing became legal huh? Would that make me a drug dealer?” I shrugged and said, “I don’t know, but it isn’t legal yet.”

At that the conversation ended. But I found his self justifications of the matter so interesting as to logging it down as a document to never forget. By me trying to understand how he wants to better lives and not care for money, yet sell drugs and ruin lives was a topic I could not avoid.

He did however, make an interesting point later. He said, “I a not grimy as to selling to 16 year old children. I sell to adults and full grown men who can make their own choices. They ruined their lives, not me in selling them drugs.”

I repeated, “so might as well make it worse instead of helping them stop? Might as well feed their addiction?”

He finalized with, “They are addicts. I was an addict so I understand them. Their lives will continue with drugs until they choose to stop. I can’t make them stop. Only they can. They don’t have to buy my drugs, and I won’t make them if they stop. I’m not making a problem worse that’s already at the bottom. If they want to change, only they can change themselves.”

Then he referred to me, “Just like nobody could have changed you with guns…only you could have changed you, right?” Then he shrugged, remembering my story before continuing, “Well, you had miracles by God too. But you know what I mean.”

To this day my thinking is the same that obviously selling drugs is wrong and is a corrupting business for personal gains. But I do hope this documentation opens some peoples eyes to the mentality of someone not everyone meets on a regular basis, that of a drug dealer in jail.

[Image attributed to: Michael Coghlan]