This begins with a poem written during one of the most lowest moments in my life. And not financially, or family or relationship wise for that matter, but simply because it was. Read on for an unsugarcoated truth and reality on depression and suicide, and how you can catch the red flags, help prevent it, and understand it.
Warning: Poem below is extremely depressing (obviously) but is a perfectly accurate depiction of what goes through a persons mind when they are just fed up with living. The purpose of sharing it is not to depress you, but to raise awareness so you can know how to bring in light and hope.
“Death would be a favor
I lived this life so short, yes I’m just twenty three
Been to hell and back, lived a life trapped and free
I’ve felt the tears of joy, and the tears of depression
And I’ve seen the world crumble, with it’s countless hard lessons
I know there’s much ahead, love and magic out to find
And everyone struggles, with the words, “It’ll be mine”
Some find it and some don’t, and when they pass away
They rot and turn to dust, and there’s no other way
I breath the earthly air, and reach out for the breeze
And my heart loses strength, as my inner mind sees
The final product of, this whole struggle to bear
It makes me want to fade, like I was never there
I’m tired of it all, and if I could just die
And let my eyes close, with one final goodbye
I’d thank the person who, turned my running blood cold
I know it’s sad to say, but I’ve lost joy in gold”
Many people do not seem to understand the matter of depression and suicide. People wonder why a person with so much going for them is depressed, sad, and even planning on killing themselves.
Well I’ll tell you why. Sometimes, there is no reason at all.
That’s right, no reason at all.
Of course you have the common cases where life situations crashed and the person simply cannot handle the change of circumstances, or maybe they lost a loved one through death or relationship. Many lost a job, or are being weighed down by financial stress. For many it may be because of bullying, lack of self worth, a giving up of hope. The list of reasons can go on and on and on.
However, this is about the ones that have no reason whatsoever to contemplate suicide, and yet do.
I was one of those people.
I could say that there were reasons for me to feel depression and a reason to end my life. I was financially stressed, was single and feeling lonely, just got out of several years of jail and was on probation ankle monitoring supervision which is very stressful in itself.
But at the same time, I was young, I had a job if not jobs. I had a loving family that cared and supported me. I had friends across the states to talk with and release my emotions to. I had a whole society of church friends ready to get my back if I was to fall and crash emotionally.
So why was I contemplating suicide?
Two possible reasons: a brain chemical imbalance, or simply no interest in all the good things in life.
And to be honest, I could tell it was the second one. Could the first lead to the second? Possibly. But I knew that no matter how good my life was, I would not find interest nor have a will to live. Depression would simply come out of NOWHERE when previously I could have been the goofiest, happiest most pleasant person to be around.
Remember, just because someone smiles and laughs, does not mean they are not inwardly battling a deadly battle of depression. I have an amazing sense of humor at times and seem like I’m having the time of my life, but when no one sees, sometimes I am just quiet and alone…and pondering whether or not I should just end my life.
What about right now you might ask? What am I feeling right now? Is the writer of this blog you read still contemplating his death? Not really. Because I know I probably won’t do it. I continue to force myself to drive hard everyday. I do everything I possibly can to keep myself happy, and forget about what anyone thinks or says. The more I care about what others think, the more depressed I become. It’s like my life is already depressing enough without having to let other people tug it around. So if I want to go eat a meal outside of my budget, I go eat it. If I want to blast music and act a fool, I do it. But obviously not to the point that it gets me arrested.
ANYHOW totally got off topic there. Time to get back on track. The reason I felt depressed and contemplated suicide was simply because I lost interest in everything. Never keep demanding an answer to why a person is depressed, because sometimes there really just IS NO REASON. If you cannot get past that mentality then you simply will never understand people who battle depression.
There are different levels of depression and contemplating suicide. Scale of 1-10.
Level 1: You’re just irritated at life. You’re not even contemplating suicide, you’re just wondering jeez why am I alive. It’s just a slight irritation. You’re sad and that’s it. This shouldn’t even count, it should be a zero.
Level 1 escalates on to level 4 remaining the same until it reaches this point.
Level 4: Life really DOES suck now. Or maybe you are just fed up with it, let’s just give up. I don’t even care anymore. Just kill me now.
Thing about level four is, they usually aren’t completely committed to committing suicide. They really just want attention. They want someone to know, to sympathize, because they feel alone (whether they are or not) and they feel nobody will understand, or there is no point in trying to make them. Level 4 will begin posting depressing posts and will give off red flags of sadness and frustration. They will be less excited and active in social gatherings then they typically are.
Level 6: Now the clock is ticking. Countdown has begun. They’re really annoyed at life now and really won’t mind having it end. But something in life won’t let them completely dedicate themselves to ending their life, so instead, they blare the horn. They do the “act.”
They call suicide hotlines, they call random people, the police, their family, and say wild reckless things like “I’m done, I’m going to kill myself.” And they stand at the edge of buildings, on the rails of bridges, and they raise a ton of hell. Fire trucks get called, support groups are made, police call in their best negotiators to calm the person down.
I’m not saying the level 6 is fake. No, by no means. They are completely serious about “attempting” their death.
However…they don’t actually die. They listen, they give life another chance, they allow people to coax them down. They wail and scream in a position that terrifies everyone and gets their attention, which is exactly what the level 6 needs, even if they won’t admit it. The extreme act of attempting suicide gets exactly what they always truly needed. And I’m not dissing on it. The person has to do whatever it is they have to do to get the attention they need, or else sometimes no one will EVER take them seriously. Ever. It’s being ignored and treated insignificantly that forces the level 6 into this position.
And now the level 8, which is really quite unnecessary to mention but I will do it regardless. It’s the failed suicides. The ones that send the person to the hospital because they didn’t do it correctly. Gosh I sound gross saying that but it’s the God honest truth. I’m just being real here because I will NEVER sugarcoat my writings to make things pleasant. They failed. They survived on accident. Level 8 is simply a level 10 that failed.
And that’s because a level 10 won’t tell anybody what they are about to attempt.
They just do it.
So those are the stages.
Level 1: Just irritated enough that ending life barely scratches their mind.
Level 4: Really contemplating suicide now, but not committed to it, or not wanting the matter to affect the false impression of harmony in their life.
Level 6: Totally desperate and not caring about their reputation anymore. The “I’m going to actually go through the act to let people know how serious I am getting.” The 80% suicide act. They almost stumble off the bridge and shriek and catch themselves, because they aren’t 100% suicidal, they just need human affection.
Level 8: Really tried to kill themselves without telling anyone. They’re really done with life, but they failed.
Level 10: The ones that end up on newspapers, because no one heeded their cries and red flags, and eventually they were cornered into taking matters into their own hands, they saw no sources of assistance and only saw one way out.
What can you do for those contemplating suicide?
It’s a tough question…
The answer really is just to be there for them. It’s that simple. And if they want to be alone, provide support in the background. Make them their favorite meal and have it waiting for them unexpectedly. Offer to take them to their favorite restaurant. Give them space. Don’t throw demands on them, that will definitely push them off the edge.
Red flags can be
- Depressing posts online with a lot of cussing, or just obvious sadness. And not just “Today at work was hard :(“ but “I’m fed up with it. Can’t handle it anymore. I want it all to end.”
- Being more quiet than usual. Sadness in their eyes, almost like defeat.
- Loss of interest in what usually would brighten them up.
- Bursts of anger and frustration over incredibly petty things. The “I don’t care about what happens by my actions anymore.” Remember, there’s a reason behind that.
- Red eyes from crying when they walk out of their room. Depressed people will sometimes hide the fact that they are crying.
So there’s that. Hope this informs some people about the serious matter of depression, and I hope my personal experiences with it have assisted anyone that needs help with the matter, whether on the side of the ignorant or the depressed.