So as I write this…I am sitting in church.
But just earlier, as people sang their church songs and called on God, I suddenly felt a powerful resistance within me. It was borderline hate and disgust, and also depression. I was forced to get up and leave to my car to relax my mind and meditate before my temper got the best of me.
So I got in my car, and I couldn’t bear the silence so I turned on my music…gangster rap. (I understand this is a source of the problem, but it’s the only music I can really stand, as it gives me the drive to pursue my goals and gets my heart going. Occasionally I listen to the more positive random song, but when I need my mind to wake up, unfortunately that’s the genre that works) But not just regular rap, my mind was starving for something evil.
My heart was literally being tugged in two directions. One part of me knew I was missing out on amazing things living a Godly life, and that I was making a drastic mistake by running to the world of sin and hate.
The other part of me was simply fed up. It wasn’t exactly just hungry to go back to being a thug as I was before, but it was simply fed up with having to choose.
I’m not a regular person, as many people seem to be. So many people just want to live a decent life. Have a family, raise kids, go to college, have a nice job, and live in peace.
I wish that was the case for me. But no, sometimes that notion makes me even more depressed.
I just wanted to die.
Depression hit in once again.
Why am I so disgusted with the church and God? Because so many of the people are fake.
No, I take that back. Many of them are real, great and solid people.
But it’s the ones that are fake that ruined it for me.
Maybe I was just unlucky, and the ones I bumped into the most just happened to be the most judgemental hypocrites. The ones that act all Holy and God pursuing, and the ones that claim to love everyone and be accepting, and yet when they encounter someone who actually needs help, they shut them out, stiff arm them and even contact the authorities.
It’s all a sham with these people. People on their high horse that simply want to paint an image to other people, and feel good in their own cocky hearts that they are some Holy being.
Those people ruined it for me. It made me lose hope.
But then we have the real solid christians. Why don’t I seek them out?
Because there is also a darkness in me that tells me that the Christian life is boring, dull, pointless and that the other life is better.
Yet I’ve served my time. I spent enough time in a jail cell to know that it’s not worth it.
So the Devil can’t fool me. BUT the evil world IS tempting. It’s so much easier, it’s full of adrenaline rush and worldly pleasures. It really does seem like a colorful, glorious picture making the Christian life look like a dull, gray canvas.
So, being unable to choose, it just makes me wish I could die. It makes me wish I could cease to exist so I don’t have to choose. It’s either choose the church and be bored, be someone I’m not, or choose evil, and have a guilty conscience, know that I’m on the wrong dying path which results in the lowest state of death possible.
Why can’t there be a middle? No, there is a middle. But why am I not able to live with it? Why was I born such a hyped up war starved adrenaline seeking animal?
This question continues, and probably always will hound, stress, and pound at my mind for the rest of my life, until finally one day I can die, close my eyes in peace, without having to commit the act of suicide.
To be honest, if I was hit by a car, or died by any means, I would be so relieved. I hate God for making me. I hate that I was born to have to live this life, so how can I possibly love God or thank him for anything if I hate my own existance?
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