I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world.
As I write this on a notepad, I sit in a bible study singing hymnals and church songs on love, Jesus, and a life freed of sin.
And yet…I know in my heart that right after this I will get in my car, drive home probably speeding while blasting worldly, dark music on crime, hate, and everything against what I just pretended to cherish, seek and enjoy.
How can I keep on doing this and why?
I know going to the meetings is highly crucial for my spiritual life despite anything you wish to say, since I am speaking from my own experience.
And yet, in the “Real” physical world, I am a crazed, hyped up animal with a madness that will always stay on top, since that is the real me.
So since I know I will ride around being a dark Christless soul, why do I continue coming to bible meetings saying words that are only felt and expressed at that moment, during that meeting, only to disappear minutes after I walk out the doors?
Am I wasting my time? Is there a reward for my efforts to at least stay connected to the church? Or will I be punished for putting on a Christian face while committing Devilish actions.
To this day (obviously because I’m writing it) I still do not know the answer.
I will continue going to the meetings, hoping that somehow the few hours of spiritual words will have some effect. Yet I can’t disguise the powerful, painful feeling of truth that I am representing a sham, a lie, and that all of this is a waste, and that I am doing nothing but making myself look a fool.
If you have an idea or suggestion, comment below. I will comment myself if I find the answer, as things always change in life.
I hope you enjoyed this read.