This blog addresses emotional hopelessness. Anger, Loneliness, Depression, Rage…when no calming thought, breathing technique or any technique for that matter will work to resolve how you feel or respond to certain matters.
As an individual who suffers through extreme mood swings of anger, rage and depression, I have undergone countless experiences where I had to deal with my emotions or find myself in a ton of trouble for reckless actions. And I am very lucky to be able to write this paper for you, since many of the actions I’ve done could easily have resulted in my death. Just for my own privacy however I won’t mention all the things I have done, but they can range from road rage, remarks that could lead to regrettable confrontations and actions that could land me years of prison time.
An Atheist might say it’s luck that I made it out alive, and a Christian would say it’s Gods blessing. Regardless what was in the background watching over me, there however were coping mechanisms and things that I unconsciously did to keep myself alive and mentally somewhat sane. It’s those things that I would like to share on these pages.
Getting right to the point, many of those things were simply not lashing out physically and immediately. Were I to impulsively let my emotions control my actions I would be in a whole lot of trouble.
Verbal outbursts are one of the hardest things to control. In fact they are near impossible sometimes when you are truly full of rage. All it takes is one trigger to your anger and next thing you know your tongue is flapping like a flag in a hurricane. Once the tongue starts flapping there is almost no return. Things escalate from words to physical confrontation and it’s all over, you’re in trouble or you get lucky.
But one of the things thats saved me the most in any sort of emotional or hectic situation was somehow finding a lifeline of humor. Like while I’d be angry, something funny might pop into my head, and next thing you know my aggressiveness would deflate like a balloon. But don’t get me wrong, one wrong word from the other side and the balloon is ready to pop again.
Luckily, I have not been in any situations recently that have escalated to the point where I had to take action and get in trouble. There were a few where it almost happened, but what I did was lean back and go into aware meditation mode, basically allowing all the nonsense from the other party wash over me without me being triggered, yet with me being aware of what they were saying and how it’d impact me.
Next thing I’d do is immediately try to predict the outcome of me taking action on the current situation, which is usually something nobody wants, regardless how angry they are. Those things can be having a new enemy, having to watch your back for totally pointless reasons which is incredible unnecessary stress. Once I imagine the terrifying annoyance of these problems, it tends to make my brain do a double take, and prevent my body from going into swift action.
I also make a mental list of all the things I’d lose if I were to attack back, such as freedom itself, amazing food that is outside, my family, the presence of females, the fun of technology and basically everything in society. It’s not worth losing the simple pleasure of seeing the sun, sky and clouds over one dumb persons words.
For those that don’t know what jails like…it is a nightmare. The food sucks and you have no choice on what you eat. You have to follow a strict ridiculous schedule where you get counted like mule, and a flashlight shines in. your face every hour. You share a dirty shower with countless homeless people, criminals, and tons of people you want nothing to do with, people who could stab your back and wouldn’t care less. Then you only get to leave your concrete cell for two hours a day depending on what jail you go in for your reckless actions. Hearing “outdoor rec” which is basically an hour in a small basketball court will get you excited and happy when doing time. It’s incredibly pathetic and ridiculous, so whenever I remember those memories and how I felt when going through them, I literally shiver and quickly leave the idea of doing something stupid behind me.
However, sometimes the worst thing you can do is bottle up your emotions. Of course don’t just let it all out in the public, because then people will get scared, call the police, you’d build up a record and be on the alert radar. But honestly, if you can find a place to scream, vent, yell and punch without disrupting the public, then do it! It’s saved my life countless times.
As for depression and feelings of suicide…DON’T kill yourself, because depression comes in waves. And when the wave passes over, you will see that life is still beautiful and there are so many stories out there to tell and so much beauty to discover. So don’t let a single episode in your young life age prevent you from reaching the point where you care because you never know when it will come. The day someone kills themselves could be the day right before they would have met what turns their life around into something they love.
That is my advice for now. Everyday for me is still a challenge, and many times I still wonder when I’m suddenly going to crash so I’m not saying I’ve found the cure to all the emotions. But what I do know is that so many amazing things also happen everyday when you go out to live life to the fullest and it’s those things that keep me going and happy that I’ve survived another day.